Oh I'll eat your eyeballs if I want to. Hold on a second.
Sleep is for narcoleptics.
Is it the beard inquisition?!?!
When I was a kid, I ate my neighbor's cat.
Ma: Anna, seatbelt please.
Anna: I HAVE A CHEESECAKE
Britt: yeah THAT's going to keep you from flying out the windsheild
Oh god, are you reproducing by budding? Are you coral? Oh man.
Okay soap dispenser. That's your new nickname.
Once there was a wombat who only ate sticks. He would mash them up with a rock to try to make them more appetizing. But that only slightly helped. Six years later he dropped out of college and got a day job at a grocery store. He stole canned green beans and used them to crush up more sticks.
me: are you one of those people who can't eat cracker pieces?
Britt: i can eat cracker pieces, i just wait until i have cheese pieces. little cheese has to go with little cracker.
even though right now i'm eating big cheese with lots of little crackers [white people]
me: Owen's going to come over and help paint
Britt: but not fat babies, though.
i'm wariness of him...
Me: you're going to bite through the metal?
Britt: No. Well...
Look, it's the ilium and the odessey
Oh Sarah, burrito. oh my god, burrito
Maybe the toilet's on fire.
You went like "Dirty" and you were rubbing your hands around and then you were like "Are You Done With Your Water" so I naturally assumed you were going to wash your hands in my water.
Me: are you okay?
Britt: (whispers) ...fat (louder) and so tired... (normal to loud tones) this burrito is sucking the life out of me.
John: shrapnel.
Britt: AAH IT STUCK TO HIM. It's on his nipple.
John: Think of it as an oil tanker, only holding something that's good for you.
Britt: A milk truck? (John goes crazy.)
John: I wish I was like Sarah... hear a song once and remember it for the rest of your LIFE... Yeah you're just trying to act nonchalant... Sorry was that weird?
Britt: Yes, John, you used the word right.
John: I am a redneck...
Frank: turn around.
John: I am not PHYSICALLY a redneck, I'm more of a brown-neck... Sarah, I really think I broke my hand...
Me: I'm sorry!
Britt: I broke my toe!
John: we should mate.
(Britt slaps me in the face with a tortilla) that was a one-time thing. Mostly because of the novelty of being slapped in the face by a tortilla... you have now been tacoed.
Okay, pine-man.
That's from the giant toilet in the sea.
Maybe the ocean's a toilet.
[Nothing preceded this comment.] Or maybe an owl. That'd be cool.
It looked like zombie corn... it was pale and starting to implode
Stupid Hellen Keller.
Hey, if we ever rob a bank, we've got a hideout...
Let's eat straight out of there so we don't have to do dishes
Me: we were so mean to the jellyfish.
Britt: that's what they get for being lesser-evolved life-forms. [Shakes fist at beached jellyfish and shouts:] get a backbone, you invertibrate!
My pants just fell off. [Britt verbally documenting an actual occurrence]
Either you'll shit or you'll throw up. [Said to Rob]
[calls his dog] Jack link!
I really like that dog door! I just crawled in it so I wouldn't have to unlock the back door
[Britt is playing with voice command and he burps into his phone. It promptly asks him if he wants to call Kate.]
I feel like the amounts of cheese you eat are probably toxic.
My pocket makes memos.
You're floor cleaner.
Me: I like your earth tones. You're like a plant... with roots!
Britt: Or a plant that shit all over the floor...
Me: I'm putting you on a diet of baby food from now on.
Britt: Oh no I couldn't... I would never... wait where'd it go!?
There was a little like... butt. There was a little salami butt.
wookie butt hair
me: I love you.
Britt: good idea!
yes i don't think you're actually made of fatigued laundry.
it's like I just came out of the rainforest
on the subject of loving and missing you: i do
My body temperature is fairly astronomical.
Butt hickey. That's what you are. You're a butt sucka
[Britt makes farting noises] No, you don't like that, do you Jack? That's Jack's mating call.
My name is Jacques Cousteau, bibi. I makea de women go wild.
You're standing in the doorway naked. And you're covered in shit. And the walls and the floor... they're all covered in shit. And you just look all helpless standing there... and you say "it comes out all over."
I need my cell phone more than I need my pants!
It's like oranges go in, you hear a bunch of screaming and "I'm too young!" ... and then it spits out orange juice.
Jack misses you. Yeah he says fart.
The burritos save our crop and bring the rains
Well I'm gonna open up overcast women's wear
my burrito done left me now
Owen, what are you, like a factory?
st peter don't ya call me cause i caint gooo i owe mah soul to the NPO!
you are a scheming, conniving, evil, little woman and i love you for it!
Sarah's a happy duck
we have a rabid dishwasher. it's like frothing
me: tell him he's my friend.
Britt: she says she hates you.
loud scary dark voice is more excited than high girly voice okay!
there's a piece of plastic sitting in our living room that i don't know where it came from
well maybe i'll say some UN-FUNNY THINGS and MESS YOU UP how'd you like that!!!
no don't quote me on that too!
i don't love you anymore.
my quotes are not cute they are dark and depressing and involve lots of people dying horrible deaths... pity...
bride of boxerface. seed of boxerface. boxerface returns. boxerface forever.
wait is that my middle finger or my index finger? or are you just a weirdo? i think you're just a weirdo.
whats this computer screen's name? im going to go beat him up. try to steal my woman will he?
you have not been hit by a running antelope. it walked up to you, punched you, and walked away.
i miss you too crazy lady.
me: my camera broke.
Britt: oh. weeeeooooooooocamrosoka squish.
your life is backwards. ohhhhhh
no i just think the one on the left looks more like you than the other one. its sort of dancing and it looks like it might have hair like yours (if it were longer) also that one looks all happy and dancy.
i love sar. . . reba ropeswing, a drug free school zone
there's sand... it's getting in my hair, and my butt, and my wallet... ah, the world is spinning Sarah.
i want to fall asleep in the shower with you. falling asleep in the shower is very special falling asleep.
MY BUTT IS NOT EXPOSED YOUR BUTT IS EXPOSED (said from 467 miles away)
the CPR didn't work... but the quadruple bypass seemed to work (talking about his cell phone)
OH THAT STAR IS ACTUALLY-- oh it's a plane.
i think you're just la-- not sane WHERE'S MY OTHER SOCK
maybe ill contract mexican butt hair remission syndrome
BUTTER BAT!
you're just a resistant Sarah bacteria
Being a cinnamon bun is no fun, Sarah
dell pickle
the little facebuk that could
coffee?
your dirty grubby little fingers
Britt: you are a booger
me: YOU'RE a booger
Britt: you're three!
[on paint stuff] ...it's basically like a liquid condom
i think my cake tolerance is very high, Chris.
it's like shoving butter down your throat. Bam, bam. Chris is a fatty, Sarah.
i don't have to try it to know it's delicious... it has little bits of...what ARE THOSE???
i don't really need anything, but everything is so cheap...
you may be resistant to Anti-Sarahbiotics, but you're not resistant to... RADIATION
i want adventures with you too.
i need to draw a farty little animal.
i'll give this one an udder. MOO!!!! (Britt continues to moo)
my stomach's making sqirmy noises... i think it's trying to get out!
i poke you and maple syrup comes out
what a sappy piney sappy little sapper you are
awww sarah i'm enameled with you! ...you're a thick coat of paint on my skin...
you are a toasty little waffle. covered in almond flavored syrup and strawberry jam. mmmmm delicious.
I love you. Therefore I want to eat you.
i just want you to be happy and to love life for all its ups and downs. remember what i told you about your palette. quinacridones and cadmiums always. i love you.
the vast jungle of homework that i am hacking through with a machete
i wanna shake your pretty little clavicle.
my tea tastes like sarah.
DON'T EAT IT WITH YOUR FACE!!! eat it with a fork... like a regular monkey
Aww baby... I'm going to throw up in your ear.
If I thought you were actually insane I wouldn't tell you you were crazy I'd just put you in an asylum
Not ALL of politics is genocide
Let's look at the crazy texture of the wall
You obviously can't handle my presence.
[I make a very ferocious loud burp] Sorry I interrupted. Britt: That's okay, I lost my train of thought...
it was a frozen pizza it could have been from California
YOU BIT YOUR FLIP??? What's wrong with you? Me: @#($*&@#! (pronounced phonetically)
[I burp again] WHY WAS YOUR HAND ON MY HEAD WERE YOU FEELING FOR AFTERSHOCKS???
Well don't blow it in my face and I won't tell you what it smells like.
You're just wiping your bodily fluids on me! That's not something that need be endured to prove my manliness!
I think you need to work on your booger wiping skills in places other than Britt's shirt. Other than Britt's personal space. PLACES BRITT WILL NEVER GO. Like the ceiling...
We're not in DC Creepy
For a second i thought you were calling my life a wildebeest carcass
I'll show you my dudeman
